High-fiving Apostles

Ah, lovely friends and family. I just want to tell you I love you all.

I also feel an update is in order. Historically, I don't share very personal things on social media, but in the last couple months, I've thought it appropriate. At the same time, I feel like anything I write sounds so obvious, but I'll share anyway:

I miss Brandon more than I can ever say. (That's the obvious part.) Sometimes I just think it's absurd how much I miss him! I do believe he's with me more often than I realize though. That's probably why it's hard for me to say things like, he's "gone" or "passed on" or that I "lost" him, or other phrases like that. (Please note, however, that I take absolutely no offense when others use such terms.)

I realize that most often, I say he's "dead" or he "died," and I hope that doesn't come off too abrasive or cold to anyone. Really, I just think it's the most accurate, biologically speaking. Spiritually speaking, even those terms are inaccurate, but I think they most succinctly describe the state he is in, in regard to mortal existence. Turns out that finding any words to describe the event of transitioning from mortality to life beyond is really tough! I feel like any time I find a phrase I think works, I immediately think of a perfectly contradictory term or idea that is equally true. I have become slightly obsessed with the contradictions inherent in death, grieving, mourning, etc.

I think that is why earlier this week when I read a passage in the New Testament, written by the Apostle Paul, I felt like he was singin' my song. He wrote this very simple description of the feelings of juxtaposition that characterized experiences of his life:

​"I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."

I do not pretend to have had any trials nearly as difficult as Paul's; however, for me and my struggles--most poignantly, the death of the love of my life so early on in what we both knew to be the happiest marriage we could ever have imagined--Paul's description of experiencing contrasts as one composite feeling really touched my heart. And then I read the scripture that follows--one which had come to my mind earlier in the day and which, upon reading, exclaimed, "here I am for you!":

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENETH ME."

I felt like high-fiving Paul, in the most reverent, sacred way possible (I'm sure it's possible...). Like Paul, if I did not trust completely in the Savior Jesus Christ, I would fear the future so much more than I do. I would despair so much more than I am. I would probably succumb to utter confusion and anger, which are two emotions that I prefer not to live in as a permanent address.

I am so grateful that I can say, as did Paul, that I really truly do believe in Christ and so I really truly do believe I can do all things--including not only recovering from the blow of Brandon's sudden death, but growing from it. Brandon and I are sealed together "for time and all eternity." Jesus sealed us, so I'm holding Him and Brandon and me to those promises and I know they will be kept.

I just wrote so much more than I intended to. What's crazy is I could go on. (If you think this is long, you should see my journal entries...) But I think that's good for now.

In summary: pain, hope, sorrow, faith, fear, love, sadness, peace, disappointment, laughter, tears - "every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."

Life--and death--just got real real, real fast, and I am just trying to keep up. :)