Standing Up Inside and Being All In

The following is the main text from a talk I delivered to a congregation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Sunday, October 29, 2017

Brother O. asked me to speak today on “Standing Up Inside and Being All In,” as we were counseled to do by Elder Gary Sabin in April’s General Conference. This topic is near to my heart, as one of the phrases that was used repeatedly in my husband, Brandon’s, funeral service to describe him was that he lived life “all in.” The timing of this topic and assignment also touches my heart, as today marks the one year anniversary of Brandon’s death, and the 29th anniversary of his birth.

In the last year, many have asked me how I continue on, and I testify with all my heart and all my might, mind, and soul, that I have been able to stand up inside, despite the hurt and anguish, because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And not just the gospel of Jesus Christ, but because of Jesus Christ Himself. He has personally succored me in my weakness, lifted my hands when hanging down, and strengthened my feeble knees, when I’ve felt like emotionally – and sometimes physically – falling to the ground (D&C 81:5). My intent in sharing this today, in this setting, is not to draw attention to myself or my family or our story, but to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Captain of my soul, and the Redeemer of my heart, He “whose mighty hand hath made me whole.” I testify that He lives. He loves me, he loves you.

One of our beloved hymns refers to the Savior Jesus Christ as a “kindly Light” and pleads,

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me.

Another hymn directs our thoughts inward, giving voice to an internal, personal prayer for peace and fortitude:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

What makes life worth living when darkness, homesickness, loneliness, grief, pain, disappointment and fear introduce themselves to our lives? Or even seem to take over our lives?

In scripture and other forms of revelation, the Lord makes it clear that it is His intent to “lead” as a kindly light, through the mist of penetrating darkness; to “order and provide,” when the winds of change threaten to shake our sense of stability, hope, and even faith. He is our best friend, our Heavenly friend, and His way always leads to a “joyful end,” if we are willing to make Him a part of our journey in this mortal life. “Look to the Lord in every thought. Doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36), “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy path for good” (Proverbs 3:5). Jesus Christ has been described as a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief,” “despised,” and “unesteemed.” And yet, Isaiah teaches, “he hath born OUR grief and carried OUR sorrows" (Isaiah 53: 3-5).

The Book of Mormon tells the story of a group of people who were forced into slavery and whose afflictions were so great “that they began to cry mightily to God” (Mosiah 24:10). I would encourage you to think for a moment about when you’ve felt that way before. To compound their grief, their overseers saw them praying and hoping and attempted to strip them of those coping skills by demanding they cease their prayers. The people went from praying out loud to praying silently. They did whatever they could to keep their connection with the Lord constant, albeit quiet. The scriptures describe the results of their commitment to God during their trial:

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Not only were these people strengthened in their trial and their burdens made light, but they were soon freed from captivity, through God’s mercy. He was intimately involved in their situation, and I testify that He was not just there at the time of delivery, but struggled with them under the bonds of oppression as well.

Elder Sabin counseled:

"We stand up inside when we wait patiently upon the Lord to remove or give us strength to endure our thorns in the flesh. Such thorns may be disease, disability, mental illness, death of a loved one, and so many other issues...

Standing up inside in spite of difficulties is possible because of a clear conscience, the strengthening and comforting assurance from the Holy Ghost, and an eternal perspective which surpasses mortal understanding..."

Standing up inside requires being “all in,” in terms of commitment to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And being “all in” requires “standing up inside," “come what may.”

Elder Sabin also shares a story that has stuck with me every since he spoke in General Conference:

A father and his young son who went into a toy store where there was an inflatable punching bag in the shape of a man. The boy punched the inflatable man, who tipped over and immediately bounced back after every punch. The father asked his young son why the man kept bouncing back up. The boy thought for a minute and then said, “I don’t know. I guess it’s because he’s standing up on the inside."

Brothers and sisters, friends, neighbors, fellow mortal travelers, I know we each have felt, feel or will feel like that punching bag at times, taking blow after blow, and wondering when the attacks, pain, frustration, or hurt will end.

Two days ago, I learned a very important lesson. I was overcome in a wave of grief, and for the first time in about a year, I felt physically weighed down and lay on the ground and cried. In that moment, I felt impressed that “standing up inside and being all in” does NOT mean never falling down. I feel so strongly about that, I will repeat it: standing up inside does not mean never falling down. It does not mean that if you occasionally succumb to weakness you are a bad person. It does not mean that if you experience doubt, pain, fear or even failure that you lack faith.

The adversary would have you believe that any lapse in strength on your part is a sign of defect and failure and evidence that you don’t deserve to stand up. Please do not listen when Satan or his helpers try to persuade you that you can’t, won’t, or don’t deserve to stand up. In the words of one of my children’s favorite television characters, “It’s ok to make mistakes, try to fix them, and learn from them too” (pbskids.org).

Whether it’s mistakes that bring you low or just the trials of life, whether in matters spiritual, physical, emotional, or mental, He who was “wounded for our transgressions, and bruised for our iniquities” knows EXACTLY what you feel like when you’re knocked down and feel like tapping out. At the same time, He is the One who most believes in you and who is most qualified to give you power to return to standing position, strengthened, renewed, and with more power than ever.

Standing up inside in spite of difficulties is possible because of a clear conscience, the strengthening and comforting assurance from the Holy Ghost, and an eternal perspective which surpasses mortal understanding..."

I pray that these gifts from our loving Heavenly Father will be yours, and testify that they will as you regularly strive to be “all in,” making whatever life adjustments necessary to fully immerse yourself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Lord IS on your side. In every change He WILL faithful remain. Your best friend, your Heavenly Friend, will lead through thorny ways to a joyful end, picking you up any time and every time you need Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.